Another Friday Night Fight

I realize about 3 people read this blog, so it really is just a me thing with relatives.

Every Friday night around this time I get into a fight. Not with my wife. Not with my daughter.

I feel the pain, the burning in my face. My head starts to cloud. Depression. Coming in hot. Ready to drag me to hell.

So I sometimes wear out. Give in. Sleep away a good chunk of the weekend. Sometimes I get the message from my wife who is frustrated it’s another wasted weekend. I climb up the greasy, black walls of my mind and try and see the sun. I try and lower the temperature. I won’t give in this time.

Depression fights back. It has spent the week building the cage for me. It can’t let it stay empty. The walls get thicker with sludge. You’re broke because of the bad choices you always make. It’s your fault you can’t figure out how to pay your debts. What would people think of you if this whole blog thing got out? They would be laughing at your slopiness. Lack of resources. Intelligence in marketing. It’s a waste of time. Give up.

Maybe I should. It’s been close to a month and I have about the same number of followers. Is that my fault. YES! I don’t promote myself. I don’t think very highly of my opinions on things. Interestingly, I have the voices of people from my past that were elitest and always had a haughty know-it-all attitude. I’m still trying to write to satisfy them.

So what does this all mean? I’m not the only one fighting myself. Now more than ever the fighting has just begun. We sit in the inevitable retelling of history as fascism rises and a great many people ignore the history of what that means. We watch as years of progress in Civil and Human Rights gets destroyed. And we have people marching to the same drum in Canada. Canada First! Government evil. Must destroy everything so the rich can get richer. People still pretend like that isn’t true. And it beats down the people that give a fuck.

So how do I/we fight? Depression and anxiety wants us to retreat and hide in the darkness. If it is not affecting you right now, what’s the big deal? Let others suffer. When you are all alone and shut up in your room and they come for you, boy howdy will you be in shape to fight.

I don’t know what to do. I understand why people are supporting this crap. I really do. They think it is the right thing. Germans believed the Furher was doing the right thing. They thought other people suffering for their good was right and just. Lies? Just doing what you have to do. Murder? They were all bad people. Some not even human. Right? So we lose our rights and freedoms. So we have to work long hours with little breaks. It’s all for the country. It’s all for America. Or Germany. Or Russia. Take your pick.

Germany is still fighting against what happened. Not wanting to go back again. And here we sit, watching Trump do almost to the letter exactly what fascists did before. Transgender does not exist. You thought transgender was some new thing? Stamped out in Nazi Germany. Elderly? Not productive therefore useless. Waste of resources. Handicapped? Best they be put out of their misery. Think this is all Nazi Germany? This is happening right before our eyes. Why do you think they want to get rid of Medicare and Medicaid? Social security? Because there shouldn’t be a dime spent on the useless that could go to the rich. Do you see yourself as productive? You better be if you hope to survive what’s coming.

Sorry if this is bleak. Its supposed to be. I don’t know what to hope for. This has been a long time coming. We’re all going to have decide where we are going to draw the line. Do we stand or hide? I know I am struggling to know what I need to do. Nothing is not an option. But I’ve lived so long fighting myself, I don’t know how to fight. How to stand up to outside forces when the inside forces are constantly at war. But I will figure it out. Many people have done it.

So yeah. That’s my Friday night. See what the morning sun will bring.