Loss of Light

Have you ever had the lights turned off on you while it’s daylight? Not much of a change. But what if the lights won’t work when the sun sets?

That’s how I have been feeling lately. Awake during the day, but desparate for sleep. So tired. What is the cause? Not sure. I believe it has to do with over-active anxiety that is running my engine dry, or turning out the lights when I need them most. I’m not in full on panic mode yet, but it’s coming. I know the road I travel and the inevitable is waiting around the corner.

Do I have the ability to change the road I’m on? At one time, absolutely. But it was missed long ago. Now the forest is dark and gloomy all around me, shadows covering shadows, trees blocking the light, making it near impossible to find another path. Something tells me with the bed that has been made, I will sleep uncomfortably for some time.

Sounds fatalistic, doesn’t it? So much of my life has been missed opportunities due to low self-esteem and disbelief I could ever win. Head down, work hard, get rewarded. Now I am head down, work hard, hope I don’t find myself out on the street. We are all mostly working just to stay 10 feet below water. A cute little raise every year while all around us prices sky rocket, you can’t own anything, and everything is monthly subscriptions. And the clowns are running the Circus into the ground, mostly because it’s funny to watch people suffer.

Pessimistic? Yes. I have been trying my whole life to be a better person. Better than what? Richer? More Handsome? Fitter? When do I see myself as enough? Is it too late? Can a person really start at the age of 51?

So much worry and anxiety that does nothing for me but hold me on the path that will destroy me. I need to get my footing again.

This is overwhelm. Maybe if I keep flipping the switch it will eventually turn on the lights. Or maybe I need a new book of matches. Burn it to the ground and start again.

No matter what, we need light. This darkness is getting thick.