What is the Anxious Sausage?

Quite some time ago, I was a regular Joe working for a company selling smartphones. It was a small operation, with big potential. Much like me I suppose. I was not doing well financially. Still not but anywho. I had the idea that if I wanted to get more money from what I was doing, I needed to find a way to bring interest to our little store. So I was going to start a blog about smartphones and plans and carriers and we would discuss the ins and outs of navigating a relatively unfriendly environment of competitors trying to do all kinds of stuff to get your money and hopefully make a place you could finally get the real answers. Whew! Not asking too much. And it wouldn’t cost much, which was important as the advertising budget was $0. It seemed like I was on the right track. And this was 2018. Blogging was still a growing business concept. Everything worked out fine.

Except…it didn’t happen at all. In my desire to build something great, I decided to not discuss it with the owners as they weren’t all that tech savvy. It would have taken forever to explain what a blog was. So I decided to build it and they would see the results. Again, no costs and all gains, right? Well I came into work that Friday morning to an ambush. I kind of set myself up for it, I guess. The owners found out about it and used their limited understanding of what I was trying to do to accuse me of trying to take over the business and be the big cheese. I didn’t understand the level of anger. I also didn’t understand how much anxiety was stuffed down inside of me. I sat there in shock. The only door in or out was locked and any exit attempts were blocked. I tried to defend myself by saying it was for the company, not to take over but it fell on deaf ears. Seven years of building the wireless business for them. All into the fire. I left shortly after that not knowing what the hell just happened. My mind was spinning out of control. Was I just fired? Did I do anything requiring that level of abuse? What do I do now? Is my life over?

I drove around the dirt roads around Regina and area in a daze. Didn’t seem to matter where I ended up. The lights were dim, colors muted, sounds distant. What do I do?

Eventually I found my way home and I couldn’t speak. I somehow got it out that I was fired I think and then collapsed in tears. Anxiety took full control. I was scared of everything. Were they at my house ready to pounce again? Was I safe anywhere? Some how my wife got me into bed. I just shook and cried. I couldn’t process what happened. I had been feeling hopeful that blogging would be the answer. It appeared to be an answer to the wrong question.

It took me about 2 months before I was able to go out anywhere without constantly checking around every car or bench or corner for the spector of my panic. My self worth was gone. I was in a hole and did not know how to get out of it. I had no income, and no marketable skill to sell. I did have a dog. My wife was smart enough to pick up a puppy named Kit Kat. She was such a god send. Maybe I could recover. Get my life back.

By the end of summer a settlement had been reached for wrongful dismissal that helped to make up some of the shortfall. I applied for a job at Staples call centre and actually got the job, much to my surprise. Still not trusting myself, still not trusting employers. But had to get back into the workforce. Anxiety was no longer something that was hidden deep inside. It was out and in control. Every day was a struggle. But it slowly got better. Had to take a couple of months off due to completely uncontrollable panic attacks, but you know, normal otherwise.

So what about the Anxious Sausage? Well, I finally got a chance to get back into wireless with a job at a major carrier that would, I hoped, allow me to get my mojo back and maybe finish what got derailed a couple years ago. It was the promising start of the promising year of 2020. What could possibly go wrong?

I think we all know how well anxiety did in that fateful year. After the dust settled and we made it through the worst part, I was rewarded with a layoff, as they decided to help pay for the Covid measures to cut management positions. I was one the newest so I was out. Once again the industry I spent so much of my life with, shut me out. Getting jobs after Covid was more than a little difficult. So I started a blog. Not this one. A little known Blogger one. I wrote about whatever topic tickled my fancy. I even tried to build a real blog. But I didn’t trust myself and doubted anyone would read it anyway. I killed it before it even had a chance to breathe. Sorry dad!

But the idea of the Anxious Sausage continued. I see it as a place I can write about things that matter to me. My anxiety is with me always and I still have the odd panic attack and frontal lobe melt down. But writing gives me a chance to deal with things. Come to terms with things.

And so we have the Anxious Sausage blog. Maybe I’ll push past my anxiety and do what needs to be done to actually get it out to more people. Maybe I’ll inspire others living with anxiety to dare again. To be bold. To be vulnerable. We all have anxiety I know. Some are more able to be productive. I really don’t want to be beholden to it. Please enjoy this blog. Hopefully you will find something that clicks for you. Thank you for reading. Have a wonderful day!